There can be no doubt that the need to dull pain, especially emotional pain, is a fundamental human drive, like belonging and feeling safe. The urges to be tame and wild conflict in each of us daily. The need to feel safe is so fundamental to human existence. What happens when we don't feel safe? What happens when every new situation feels scary? What happens when human contact becomes aversive? What happens when what once comforted us creates terror? There are questions every therapist often gets asked, but these are the most common. What happens when the first reaction to novel environments is panic? What happens when isolation is the only place where feeling safe is present? What happens when as small children we see screaming, hitting, and anger, or experience it ourselves?
This song is the answer to some of those questions. A wise man once said that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. Our base instincts as children are to love and be loved...to touch and be touched, to seek comfort from those we feel safe with. When those people do not consistently answer with safe touch, comfort, and a soothing voice, our needs become unmet. We begin to become little people who believe that the only person we can rely on is ourselves. This is the beginning of dulled self-service, of narcissism. The demi-god Narcissus was smitten with his attractiveness and according to Ovid, denied the love of Echo, a nymph, and was punished by the Greek god of revenge, Nemesis, as a result. Narcissus afterward spent his life admiring himself in a reflecting pond, denied the chance of ever finding true love again, dying without ever knowing true love.
Narcissistic Personality traits are controversial, and the prevalence of such traits, to the point of it being a personality disorder, are rare. In 20 years of counseling, I only saw an average of two patients a year who were truly narcissistic. This out of roughly 110 patients per year. The symptoms according to Mayo Clinic of Minnesota are:
Reacting to criticism with anger, shame, or humiliation
Taking advantage of others to reach own goals
Exaggerating own importance, achievements, and talents
Imagining unrealistic fantasies of success, beauty, power, intelligence, or romance
Requiring constant attention and positive reinforcement from others
Becoming jealous easily
Lacking empathy and disregarding the feelings of others
Being obsessed with self
Pursuing mainly selfish goals
Trouble keeping healthy relationships
Becoming easily hurt and rejected
Setting goals that are unrealistic
Wanting "the best" of everything
Appearing unemotional
This song is the answer to some of those questions. A wise man once said that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. Our base instincts as children are to love and be loved...to touch and be touched, to seek comfort from those we feel safe with. When those people do not consistently answer with safe touch, comfort, and a soothing voice, our needs become unmet. We begin to become little people who believe that the only person we can rely on is ourselves. This is the beginning of dulled self-service, of narcissism. The demi-god Narcissus was smitten with his attractiveness and according to Ovid, denied the love of Echo, a nymph, and was punished by the Greek god of revenge, Nemesis, as a result. Narcissus afterward spent his life admiring himself in a reflecting pond, denied the chance of ever finding true love again, dying without ever knowing true love.
Narcissistic Personality traits are controversial, and the prevalence of such traits, to the point of it being a personality disorder, are rare. In 20 years of counseling, I only saw an average of two patients a year who were truly narcissistic. This out of roughly 110 patients per year. The symptoms according to Mayo Clinic of Minnesota are:
According to Mayo Clinic, "In addition to these symptoms, the person may also display dominance, arrogance, show superiority, and seek power. The symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder can be similar to the traits of individuals with strong self-esteem and confidence; differentiation occurs when the underlying psychological structures of these traits are considered pathological. Narcissists have such an elevated sense of self-worth that they value themselves as inherently better than others. However, they have a fragile self-esteem and cannot handle criticism, and will often try to compensate for this inner fragility by belittling or disparaging others in an attempt to validate their own self-worth. It is this sadistic tendency that is characteristic of narcissism as opposed to other psychological conditions affecting level of self-worth."
There are a number of possible factors contributing to Narcissistic Personality Disorder as cited by Mayo Clinic. The cause of this disorder is unknown, however Groopman and Cooper, as cited by Mayo Clinic, list the following factors identified by various researchers as possibilities:
Mayo Clinic goes on to say "some narcissistic traits are common and a normal developmental phase. When these traits are compounded by a failure of the interpersonal environment and continue into adulthood, they may intensify to the point where NPD is diagnosed. Some psychotherapists believe that the etiology of the disorder is, in Freudian terms, the result of fixation to early childhood development."
The individual who is Narcissistic has concluded at a very early age that the only way he or she will get needs met is to rely on self. Through later childhood, the child will make new friends easily, and build them up as saviors or rescuers. The moment that the friend does not meet the Narcissist's expectations, they are relegated to the sidelines of the Narcissist's life. This pattern repeats endlessly into adulthood as the Narcissist's hopes for being "taken care of" by friends or lovers is dashed due to the unrealistic expectations of the Narcissist. In adult life, this person may search repeatedly for someone to rescue him or her from perceived threats. The narcissist never feels safe and blames others for these feelings.
This is theorized, and has been validated in research into addictive behavior, to be a result of early childhood physical and emotional abuse, inconsistent parenting, and being used by a parent to fulfill the parent's need for adulation and adequacy. How do adults with Narcissistic traits deal with this constant disappointment? Many of them turn to using mood altering chemicals or activities to dull the pain and the emptiness they feel. Common addictive activities, such as workaholism, insatiable seeking of wealth, gambling, overeating, bulimia, and anorexia, often proceed from the feelings of anger and inadequacy these unfortunate people feel almost perpetually. Chemicals are often a matter of constant cross-addiction, with tobacco, alcohol, opioids, cannibinoids, amphetamines, and hallucinogens being used to escape the feelings of isolation, self-doubt, and pain these individuals live with daily.
Addiction, which comes from the Latin word addictus, mean to be nailed, is both the symptom and the disease that often results from Narcissism. Most people with chemical and/or activity dependence almost have to be reparented to learn the fundamental elements and rewards of human relationships, due to the abuse and/or the inconsistent parenting they experienced as babies and preschoolers. They have to learn that the rewards of human relationships are real, but can be at times difficult to perceive. Expectations must be tempered, and discipline and trust must be taught. For people with chemical or activity dependence, the therapist and family must be almost implacable, letting nothing rattle or disrupt the relationship behaviorally. The untamed inner child must be taught to be tame, the horribly negative judgmental parent voice in the addict's brain must be unflinchingly disputed and retrained to learn consistent civilized behavioral values, and the part of the brain that lives in the moment must be allowed to govern the inner child and parent. The voice of this part of the brain will be nonjudgmental, rational, and interested in life as it exists in the moment, without shame from the past, or fear from the future overwhelming it.
When the brain's adult voice learns to live in the moment, mindfulness has become habitual, and the past and the future will no longer disrupt the present. The exhausted sailor of life will no longer feel shameful pain, nor feel that he or she has to solely rely on himself or herself for every emerging need. Love blossoms, because in learning to be tame, to trust, and give self and possessions away, the newly emergent adult will have overcome self-doubt, self-promotion, feelings of unsafeness, and unquenchable, burning need. The reciprocal rewards of a relationship with others and ourselves can be savored as they happen. Life's unending possibilities, as the quantum mechanic might say, are open, and the sailor is alive every moment of every day. Sounds like heaven....
Copyright 2013 by Peter Reum-All Rights Reserved
There are a number of possible factors contributing to Narcissistic Personality Disorder as cited by Mayo Clinic. The cause of this disorder is unknown, however Groopman and Cooper, as cited by Mayo Clinic, list the following factors identified by various researchers as possibilities:
- An oversensitive temperament at birth
- Excessive admiration that is never balanced with realistic feedback
- Excessive praise for good behaviors or excessive criticism for bad behaviors in childhood
- Overindulgence and overvaluation by parents, other family members, or peers
- Being praised for perceived exceptional looks or abilities by adults
- Severe emotional abuse in childhood
- Unpredictable or unreliable caregiving from parents
- Valued by parents as a means to regulate their own parental self-esteem
Mayo Clinic goes on to say "some narcissistic traits are common and a normal developmental phase. When these traits are compounded by a failure of the interpersonal environment and continue into adulthood, they may intensify to the point where NPD is diagnosed. Some psychotherapists believe that the etiology of the disorder is, in Freudian terms, the result of fixation to early childhood development."
The individual who is Narcissistic has concluded at a very early age that the only way he or she will get needs met is to rely on self. Through later childhood, the child will make new friends easily, and build them up as saviors or rescuers. The moment that the friend does not meet the Narcissist's expectations, they are relegated to the sidelines of the Narcissist's life. This pattern repeats endlessly into adulthood as the Narcissist's hopes for being "taken care of" by friends or lovers is dashed due to the unrealistic expectations of the Narcissist. In adult life, this person may search repeatedly for someone to rescue him or her from perceived threats. The narcissist never feels safe and blames others for these feelings.
This is theorized, and has been validated in research into addictive behavior, to be a result of early childhood physical and emotional abuse, inconsistent parenting, and being used by a parent to fulfill the parent's need for adulation and adequacy. How do adults with Narcissistic traits deal with this constant disappointment? Many of them turn to using mood altering chemicals or activities to dull the pain and the emptiness they feel. Common addictive activities, such as workaholism, insatiable seeking of wealth, gambling, overeating, bulimia, and anorexia, often proceed from the feelings of anger and inadequacy these unfortunate people feel almost perpetually. Chemicals are often a matter of constant cross-addiction, with tobacco, alcohol, opioids, cannibinoids, amphetamines, and hallucinogens being used to escape the feelings of isolation, self-doubt, and pain these individuals live with daily.
Addiction, which comes from the Latin word addictus, mean to be nailed, is both the symptom and the disease that often results from Narcissism. Most people with chemical and/or activity dependence almost have to be reparented to learn the fundamental elements and rewards of human relationships, due to the abuse and/or the inconsistent parenting they experienced as babies and preschoolers. They have to learn that the rewards of human relationships are real, but can be at times difficult to perceive. Expectations must be tempered, and discipline and trust must be taught. For people with chemical or activity dependence, the therapist and family must be almost implacable, letting nothing rattle or disrupt the relationship behaviorally. The untamed inner child must be taught to be tame, the horribly negative judgmental parent voice in the addict's brain must be unflinchingly disputed and retrained to learn consistent civilized behavioral values, and the part of the brain that lives in the moment must be allowed to govern the inner child and parent. The voice of this part of the brain will be nonjudgmental, rational, and interested in life as it exists in the moment, without shame from the past, or fear from the future overwhelming it.
When the brain's adult voice learns to live in the moment, mindfulness has become habitual, and the past and the future will no longer disrupt the present. The exhausted sailor of life will no longer feel shameful pain, nor feel that he or she has to solely rely on himself or herself for every emerging need. Love blossoms, because in learning to be tame, to trust, and give self and possessions away, the newly emergent adult will have overcome self-doubt, self-promotion, feelings of unsafeness, and unquenchable, burning need. The reciprocal rewards of a relationship with others and ourselves can be savored as they happen. Life's unending possibilities, as the quantum mechanic might say, are open, and the sailor is alive every moment of every day. Sounds like heaven....
Copyright 2013 by Peter Reum-All Rights Reserved
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