Saturday, June 4, 2016

Step Parenting: Cumulative Little Victories by Peter Reum

My third stepdaughter Jenna, graduated from high school last night. For my wife, it was a day of joy and insight. She had raised three daughters and been a single mom going to college before I met her. In 2001, she came to Billings to attend college, and to raise the girls alone. Their dad was a man who married quite young, and had not gotten through the period nearly all males experience, which is the fear of becoming a responsible husband and father. I say this without criticism, because I had the same feelings in my late teens to my mid twenties too.

My own tumult seemed to explode out of the confinement of marriage, which I had wanted so badly before getting married. My then wife had her B.A. in Education to finish, followed by an M.A. in Library Sciences in order to get a job teaching in the Greeley, Colorado School District. I spent two years completing my alternative service in lieu of serving in the U.S. Armed Forces due to conscientious objection. At the end of those two years, I was somewhat relieved to finish, but the experience had been  good one, as I felt I had contributed to the healing of many people while serving. When my then wife got the job in Greeley Schools, I was not yet mature enough to have children, nor was I in any rush to do so. When things began to level out in our lives, we allowed ourselves the luxury of  a three bedroom apartment.

I was somewhat jealous of my then wife's clarity in deciding her career path, and I was occasionally a jerk, making fun of educators and the institution of education. At 27, I realized that I could not be thirty years old promoting the sales of the new Leif Garrett album and respect myself. I timidly applied to the University of Northern Colorado Graduate School. My self worth was in the toilet, and I honestly was unsure about whether I would be accepted or not. The two years in the Rehabilitation Department at UNC restored my sense of purpose, and the friends I made while in that program are some of my closest friends today, 36 years later. My then wife supported my graduate education as I had supported hers. I will always be grateful to her for that.



My current wife, Christina, had a much rockier experience. By the age of 23 she had brought three lovely daughters into the world. Her then husband, who now is a fine man, had the same experience I did in his early twenties, but he had three kids, whereas I didn't have my two beautiful daughters until I finished Graduate School in my early thirties. Christina, my wife now, rode a wild ride through her first years raising her three daughters, Sabrina, Adriana, and Jenna. In 2001, after many years of trying to make the marriage work, the three girls' parents divorced.  For the next six years, my future wife raised the three girls, attended college full-time, and completed her class papers and presentations. To say that this was difficult would be patronizing. Christina is very well organized, and carried off her parenting and school/work study duties admirably. Unfortunately, due to several factors, the girls' father fell behind in child support, and that money could not be counted on as reliable. This experience is common here in this country due to the structure of how different states enforce child support arrears.

The three girls enjoyed their time in school and were active in the churches my current wife attended. Their resilience was strengthened by the three of them supporting each other. This is a wonderful coping strategy many siblings from single parent homes utilize. They lived in low income housing, which in Montana is not as dire as in more populated states. I met the three girls in 2005 (!) when Sabrina was 11, Ana was 9, and Jenna was 8. They were kind but wary of my entrance into their mother's life.  For the next twenty months, I got to know them as people and children, and was hooked on them and their senses of humor and the support they gave each other and Christina.

After my marriage to Christina in 2007, I spent my time sorting out my job, marriage, and my children. I consider all three girls to be my own, as much as the two older daughters I had with my first wife and the daughter and son Christina and I had together. The complexity of the unified households was a challenge, but no one was folded, spun, or mutilated by the experience. There were the usual bumps and grinds all blended families have, but in my heart, these three girls were as much mine as my other kids. We somehow managed financially to support all of the family, but money was tight. Each of the three girls distinguished herself in her own way. They are all very musically gifted. Sabrina has a wonderful ability to express herself in her writing, and is very outgoing. That she is the alpha of the three girls is clear. That said, she has gone her own way, learning about life through the triumphs and disappointments she has experienced. She was married last year, and the couple are the proud parents of our grandchild JJ. He is a delightfully happy baby who is very clear at expressing his needs to James, his father, and Sabrina.

Adriana, being a middle child, is the diplomat of the three girls. She is insightful, tactful, and supportive of her siblings and friends. She is a loyal person, with people skills that are strong and natural. Her voice is marvelous, and her singing was always an uplifting feeling in the house. She and Jenna moved to Florida to spend their last two years of school with their father. It was hard for Christina to not blame herself for the move. Their move was to try to get to know their father before they moved into being adults. I had the pleasure of attending Ana's graduation from high school in Florida last summer (2015). She has gone on to get a job, complete her first year in junior college, and buy her first car. She continues to be the mediator, negotiator, and unifying influence she excels in doing.

Jenna, my third stepdaughter, just graduated from high school this year. Although we could not all go, as we did the previous year, we were able to have Christina attend. Jenna is perhaps the most artistically talented of the three girls. She has exceptional visual arts talent, and also, like her other two sisters, has a singing voice that is beautiful. Jenna goes after what she wants enthusiastically, having a personal drive that is exceptional. As my wife has stated many times, Jenna always wanted to keep up with whatever her sisters were doing, and took pains to ensure that she was included. Jenna has an incredible eye for interior design and decorating, and hopes to enter that profession eventually. Her willingness to challenge phoniness in people and in organizations is a blessing and possibly a curse. She states her mind succinctly and clearly, and her assertiveness is a real asset for her.

Rights of passage in society are usually a welcome experience. They at once recognize the efforts of an individual and their family and bring change that alters the dynamics of everyone involved.  Birth, Baptism (for Christians), entering school, school graduation, entering adult life, getting jobs, and marriage are powerful agents of change,  both in childhood and early adulthood. While often discounted, they provide a special occasion for families to congratulate themselves and their children for the milestone at which they all have arrived. The one lesson I have taken away from these occasions is that they are special. So, to my three stepchildren, now adults, I say...you have been challenging and exceptionally rewarding in my life. I am a better man for being with all of you. I love you and wish you every happiness in adulthood.


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